A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble. - Gandhi

Have you ever wondered why so many business books have been written about how to negotiate for 'yes' and so few books about how to get to a 'no'? From our earliest years, saying 'yes' is drilled into us. While growing up, we obey our parents with a "yes father or mother." In school, we say a well-educated, "yes teacher." In the military, we follow orders shouting out, "yes Sirrrr". At work, we're considered a good colleague when saying 'yes' to all requests. 'Yes' is for winners. Nobody taught us to say 'no'. 'No' is for losers.

In our culture, saying 'no' is often considered a rejection, disobedient, uncooperative, unsocial, diminishing, limiting, and inflexible. Worst even, 'no' may be punishable.  Little wonder that it's so hard for us to say ‘no’.  

Each day we get bombarded with requests. How we respond to these requests will determine our days and if we can accomplish our goals. By saying 'yes', other people's priorities become our own. It can be hard to say 'no' because we don't want to upset people.  We don't want people to feel bad or make people think we're rude. 'No' makes us feel uncomfortable because, as social creatures, we want to conform to other people's expectations.  We are compelled to preserve our relationships, and we don't like to disappoint people even though saying 'yes' can go directly against our interests.

I used to be a diehard yes-man until, at one point, it started to overwhelm me.  Can you fly to Hong Kong tomorrow to sort this out? Can you prepare the Monday morning board presentation for me? Can you go out for dinner with my client tonight? Can we meet on Monday at 7 am in Zurich? Can you finish this legal opinion by tomorrow Tokyo time? Can we change our Thursday meeting for Saturday? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Do you want to marry me….., huh??

The art of leadership is saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes. – Tony Blair

I learned the hard way the art of saying 'no'. In my case, I was under a lot of stress, and a specialist informed me that I could face burnout or, even worse, depression when taking on more commitments. When I told him that I was hesitant to say 'no' because it felt as if I was shutting a door on an opportunity, he explained that I should see this from a different perspective. "The next time you say no," he explained, "think about if you close the door on something or open the door for new opportunities." He taught me some techniques on how to say no without feeling guilty and maintaining a positive attitude.

In the beginning, it felt clunky until I could develop my 'no-muscle'. The best way was to start with family and friends, and once I became more comfortable, I continued to tone my 'no' craft with colleagues and clients. By learning how to say no, I could reclaim control over my life.

In this article, I like to share some of the techniques for saying positively ‘no’ that have been useful to me.

1). Establish personal boundaries

First of all, it is crucial to establish your boundaries. You must create clarity on your values and goals to understand what is important to you. When you stay true to your values and goals, you will avoid being pushed into saying yes to the next request or invitation. Saying no will feel less awkward and uncomfortable when you are aware of your boundaries.

2). Create routines and rules in your life

Creating routines and rules makes 'no' so much easier.

"No, I have my mornings occupied". My sister-in-law was a concert pianist. She would practice every day for five hours and would never allow an interruption. As a result of her routine, she missed out on many invitations and requests, but she stayed true to her passion. It was easy for her to say, "No, I won't make it this afternoon."

I know fathers who will never miss out on their kids' sports matches. It's their rule that their children are the number one priority, and nothing will come in between. "No, I can't. I have a standing engagement at that time."

3). Gain for time

Sometimes, we are caught off guard when we receive a request or invitation. Avoid saying 'yes' before you've had time to consider it. Ask yourself, why would I say 'yes'? What does your heart tell you to do? Follow your gut feeling.  When you're not sure, don't answer immediately. Gain for time. Say, "Let me check my agenda and come back to you," or "I will check with my spouse".

Another good delaying tactic is to ask the other person to send you the request per email or WhatsApp. It will give you time to take a step back and reflect on it and see if the request fits with your schedule.

4). Prioritize

Establish clear priorities in your life. What's more important for a sports star? Participating in the training practice the day before the match or giving an interview for a local sports channel? "I don't have time for this now. I can come by next week.” Right?.

5). Return the energy

Give the energy back to the person making the request.  Put the ball in their court. Make the other person choose. "If I do this, then I can't do the other thing we agreed upon." For example, your boss asks you to prepare a presentation before the end of the day while you have client meetings scheduled. Ask if they prefer you to design the presentation instead of meeting with the clients. Now the ball is in your boss's court, and he will have to decide what is best.

6). Be honest and sincere

People feel intuitively if you are honest and sincere with them. The truth is that you can be totally upfront with people when declining a request.

7). Be firm while remining polite

Once you feel more comfortable, you can take the ultimate step in mastering saying ‘no’. We tend to give people excuses when saying 'no'. We say that we cannot have lunch because of a "dentist's appointment". We feel socially awkward to say, "I cannot make lunch this week." Don't offer explanations when saying 'no'. Be polite and short. "Sorry, I have no time for this now".  The more you feel the urge to explain yourself, the weaker you become, and the bigger the chance of getting into an argument. When you have mastered saying ‘no’, you stop giving excuses and start to say ‘no’ firmly.

Regularly exercising your no-muscle is the way to become proficient in saying positively 'no.'

I'm as proud of what we don't do as I am of what we do. – Steve Jobs

‍

‍